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Conflicted

I'm not sure if I've posted this on here yet, so if it's a repeat ... oh well, my damn blog. It's just a small piece of prose I wrote after rudely being reminded of what I cannot have:

I wake to the Sun stinging questions to my eyes, awaiting answers from flickering lids and a dull green stare. There are plans to be made, compromises to take, riddles to write and then to solve, but these dreams you stir me from keep drifting back on a lilting tune. Dangling on the cusp of the waking world are fragments of lusty lovers and fairytale endings. Broken memories littered with feelings of longing, of hope; restless mind ever wondering, “What am I missing?” Relentless mind ever wandering to places that I've never been but know so well.

No, leave me to my sleep, let me rest in misery, Sun, let me rest in peace. But, Sun has no concern for me and, in turn, could never understand my pleas. What would something so constant know of needs and wants? The Sun has a place, a purpose, and somewhere it belongs; only in dreams do I fully feel these things. It's no fault of steady Sun that I take no comfort in its rising. Fall down, mighty Sun, so that I can find my people beneath the glow of the Moon. And, no, not even Moon can understand emptiness and so dutifully hums a lullaby granting me ease, delivering me to dreams. But, it is day now, Sun's time to shine, to grow, to warm, and I am left with reality.

Think it over, Virgo – calm, analytical, cold. You know better than you pretend. Break it down, chew it up, and spit it out. Emotions are only chemical reactions, neurons fire as feelings form; it's just energy and light. Still... like the perfect poem, meter and rhyme in harmony, a dream can take you somewhere no logic can replace. If only life were but a dream.

California Playlist In Progress

This is my California Playlist - thus far - as it is ever evolving. I know I have to throw some Rage Against the Machine on there (out of respect, of course) and add in the suggestions I've accepted from Twitter.

Hollywood Hills - The Academy Is...
My Hair Looks Fierce - Amanda Lepore
Catalyst - Anna Nalick
One More Minute - Authority Zero
Los Angeles Is Burning - Bad Religion
Stay (Wasting Time) - Dave Matthews Band
Open Road Song - Eve 6
Sunset Strip Bitch - Eve 6
Jet Plane - Eve 6
Like A California King - Everclear
Bowl for Two - The Expendables
Mexican Wine - Fountains of Wayne
Country Basket - Green Day vs. Nelly
Going to California - Led Zeppelin
On and On - Mickey Avalon
I'm So L.A. - MYNX
Stop and Stare - One Republic
California - Phantom Planet
Sayonara Senorita - Reel Big Fish
Goin' Back to Cali - Sevendust
Snoops Upside Your Head - Snoop Dogg/Dre
Garden Grove - Sublime
Aprile 29, 1992 - Sublime
Caress Me Down - Sublime
Doin' Time - Sublime
Cystal Baller - Third Eye Blind
Can't Get Away - Third Eye Blind
I Come From The Water - The Toadies
Free Falling - Tom Petty
California Love - Tupac
Shutterbug - Veruca Salt
Wild Wild West - Will Smith
Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Like I said, this is without the additional songs I've added today.

You Don't See Me At All

Oh, boy, where to start? Lately my head had been such a clusterfuck of activity that I can't make much sense of anything. A large part of my absence was spent with my son who recently turned four years old and then had the most fabulous Christmas I can remember. As I don't get much time with him I like to devote every moment I can to him when he's here and though I'm excited for him to start school soon it only means I'll get even less time with him. It's one of those 'mixed blessing' things, though; I wouldn't have much time to share even if he could visit frequently.

Which is a great lead-in to my next talking point: school. Oooy vey. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing I love more than learning, but fuuccck. Ok, quick make up session for those not in the know: About a year or so ago I was kicked out of school (for their sake I won't mention the name) because I popped positive for Marijuana on a random drug screening. Just like that my future was sacked in the nuts, do not pass Go, do not collect yadda yadda. To be fair, they didn't kick me out forever, it was technically a year of suspension, but fuck them either way! Now, I understand if you wanna drug screen me upon hiring, fine, whatever, your choice, but to drug screen a paying student is fucking ludicrous and I was livid, to say the least. Regardless, I got a full time job, that sucked, lost that in an insane way (different story, different blog post), and now I'm here stuck in career limbo. Unemployed, broke, and occasionally smelly.

My year of suspension is up, but I wouldn't go back to that school if you paid me, so here I am desperately looking for a job so I can start the tedious process of filing for 10k worth of financial aid for a new school. Why do I need a job, you may ask? Well, I'm not going to get ten grand worth of aid, and so I have to pay back my Federal loans somehow. All this work just so I can stab people with needles and take their vitals. Helllooooooo Nurse!

Tomorrow afternoon I have an Optometry appointment for new glasses, long overdue I might add, and they had a sign up saying they were hiring so hopefully I can land a sweet job as a receptionist until school starts in September. Wish me luck!

Oh, and hopefully this will put an end to the question, “Why aren't you in culinary school?” I'm allergic to ECPI. Plain and simple. There are NO decent culinary schools around here and I would much rather become a nurse, which I already know I'm good at, make some money, and then go to a reputable school for what I love. Yes, I realize that I'd be much happier jumping straight into culinary school, but I'd also be much worse off financially than I already am. So that's that, people, please stop asking.

Moving away from school (quickly, before my head 'asplode) ... I'm probably gonna hear an awful lot of shit for this, but it's my blog and I gotta vent. Do your worst. I love my boyfriend, I do, but I am absolutely exhausted being the happiness for the pair of us. I am a sarcastic, semi-cynical, realist, but I always find the good in life because there's no fucking use getting upset over things you cannot change, and I'm always the one cheering people up. I'm tired of it! I am physically and mentally drained and I wasn't meant to be a fucking lighthouse to his rocky shores. I'm not a therapist, I'm not a mediator, and I have my own problems. Gah. And, please, correct me if I'm wrong, but most normal people like to do things without their partner hovering over them at all times, right? I'm not crazy for wanting my own friends, my own hobbies, and some time to myself, yeah? I never used to think that was so far fetched, but now it feels like I'm reaching for the fucking moon when I ask for these things. Ask. Look at that! Darwin, help me, I'm asking for permission. All I need is a little bit of independence, and all of that teeters on the balance of work and school. Again, I find a way to wander back to stress ... ok, moving on.

I've been watching a few shows here and there (Glee, Community, Hell's Kitchen), but they're all on break ... with the exception of Lost. I have followed Lost since day one and I'm not about to quit, but I'm to that point where I just wish it would end. I am going to be pissed off if it's some bullshit ending from The Twilight Zone, and I'll know J.J.Abrams and crew! I WILL KNOW! Ahem, anyways ... because of this I have been seriously neglecting some of my favorite hobbies! As of late, though, I am finding motivation to draw again (I got some nice General's charcoal, bar and pencil, for Christmas). I've also picked up by bead embroidery again, but that's a bit more slow going.

Music has been dragging, composition anyway. I've been listening to more and more of my old school music and finding the same comforting solace that was there so many years ago. It's like cuddling with a close friend, knowing that they understand you, and even if they don't it doesn't matter. A lot of people are going to boo and hiss at me for this, but I will choose APC over Tool any fucking day. APC has always spoken to me, on a lyrical level, in a way that Tool refuses to convey, and as a broken kid it really helped me figure out who I was and who I am. No longer broken, mind you.

WoW has also fallen behind, actually most of my gaming has, but I am getting my shit together ... slowly, but surely. I don't know why I was caught in this horrible rut, but I'm happy to feel myself working my way out of it. It started with an old friend making contact, a rush of mixed emotions, a change in hair color, and a goofy, smoke-filled smile.

Oh! Two big steps in the anxiety fixing thing, I applied the FIP once this week, and I'm going to do it again in March. This week I talked to someone, very boldly, because I wanted to. Even though I was nervous, and normally would have been a chicken shit, I did it. Yay! And next month I'm going to go to a concert for the first time in almost three years. The idea of that many people is a bit daunting, but I used to do it all of the time, it won't kill me, and it's so fucking worth it. I will never ever forgive myself if I miss Testament and Megadeth doing their greatest hits, c'mon! I will not pussy out this time. I must not fear ...

Anyway, this shit has gone on long enough. Lyrics to be followed by KITTEHS~

Don't disturb the Beast,
The temperamental Goat,
The Snail,
while he's feeding on the Rose
Stay frozen, compromise
What I will I am

Bend around the wind
Silently thrown about again
I'm treading so soft and lightly
Compromising my will
I am

I am, I will
So no longer will I
Lay down, play dead
Play your doe
In the headlights locked down
And terrified
Your deer in the headlights
Shut down and horrified when
Push comes to pull comes to shove
Comes to step around this
Self-destructive dance
That never would've ended 'til
I rose,
I roared aloud here
I will, I am

I am, I will
So no longer will I
Lay down, play dead,
Play this
Kneel down
Gun-shy martyr, pitiful
I rose, I roared
I will, I am

Coming Soon

An update this way comes! Eventually, just saying ... look for it!